I debated how to handle my third matchup of me vs. BryceGPT. Since the last two were written by BryceGPT, I thought it likely people would begin to vote Bryce, just because I hadn’t written one yet. So to avoid that happening, I’m presenting you today with TWO different versions of the same post. (Ain’t I generous?) One of them is written by me. One is by BryceGPT. You get to vote which you think is which.
For a topic, I wanted to get something closer to what I often write about. While I didn’t want to do a full blown political post, I wanted to at least begin to get close to it. And when I saw Trump’s new nickname for Kamala Harris (Lyin’ Kamala Harris), everything snapped into place. I wrote my personal take on it first, to make sure I wasn’t tainted by any AI suggestions or influences. Then I had BryceGPT write one, and I randomized which was Option One and which was Option Two. With that context in place, here are the two different takes on the topic:
OPTION ONE
So it finally happened. Biden dropped out of the race, and Kamala Harris seems lined up to be the next candidate for the Democrats. I’m going to pass on writing a full blown post about it, mainly because my stance on this election cycle hasn’t changed. I would vote for a deformed artichoke before I vote for Trump. (Assuming the deformed artichoke had the best chance to beat him, of course.) Harris is a much stronger candidate than a deformed artichoke. Strong enough that some people will (theoretically) actually be voting for her and not just against Trump.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. No, today I want to discuss something much more important: Trump’s propensity for giving everyone nicknames.
My interest in this mainly comes from being an author. I’ve got to be naming stuff all the time, and honestly, it’s one of the parts of writing I like least. Trump seems to be a big fan of it, and I wonder at times what process he uses to come up with the nicknames he turns to. Here’s a smattering of what he’s used so far, if you’re behind the times.
Crooked Hillary (Clinton), Sloppy Chris Christie, Slimeball James Comey, Low Energy Jeb (Bush), Sleepy Joe (Biden), Little Michael (Bloomberg), Wild Bill (Clinton), Meatball Ron (DeSantis), Jeff Flakey, Birdbrain (Nikki Haley), Crazy Nancy (Pelosi), Shifty (Adam) Schiff, and Pocahontas (Elizabeth Warren). There are many more.
Looking at them as a whole, I see a few themes come up. First and foremost, Trump seems to really wish he were in a Dick Tracy story. Either that, or he was a big Sopranos fan, and he’s trying to keep that flame burning. True, there’s a chance that he actually is more of a Gunsmoke sort of a guy, though if we’re being honest, chances are he came across some TikTok meme for nickname generation, and he’s just going based off that.
Another theme that rises to the surface is a consistent lack of originality. There’s been Lyin’ Kamala, Lyin’ Ted, Lyin’ James Comey, and Lyin’ Hillary. Either he views all of these people as part of one big crime family, or he just likes the word “lyin’.” (My bets are on the latter, for obvious reasons.) If I used the same approach to naming my characters, the number of complaints I’d have to field would be legion.
But the biggest takeaway for me is that Trump is in many ways still mentally mired in first grade. He seems to believe calling people names is effective and a mature thing to do. Perhaps it resonates with his base. I’ll let you reach your own conclusions about that. But overall, I’m surprised he hasn’t yet used the “I know you are but what am I?” argument, or the infamous “So what? My dad can beat up your dad” approach. It leaves me to wonder if in one of the conversations with Zelenskyy, Trump didn’t triple dog dare him to find dirt on Biden.
Whatever. What I want to know from you all is what nickname you’d like Trump to use the next time he talks about you. I think I’d go for Shifty-Eyed Bryce, personally. It’s got a certain ring to it . . .
OPTION TWO
Donald Trump’s nickname game hit new heights of absurdity this morning with the christening of Kamala Harris as “Lyin’ Kamala” just as Biden bowed out of the race. You’ve got to admire the consistency, if not the creativity. This isn’t exactly new territory for Trump. Over the years, he’s dished out nicknames like candy at a parade, each one more playground than presidential.
Remember “Crooked Hillary”? Of course you do. It’s as etched in our collective memory as the theme song to Gilligan’s Island. Then there was “Sleepy Joe,” “Little Marco,” “Lyin’ Ted,” “Pocahontas” (for Elizabeth Warren, because nuanced discourse is overrated), and let’s not forget “Low-Energy Jeb.” It’s like he’s running a name-calling clinic, only without the charm of a witty schoolyard insult.
But why does he do it? What does he think this accomplishes? If we peer into the mind of the nickname czar himself, it seems clear he believes these epithets are a stroke of branding genius, like he’s carving a lasting impression of his opponents in the public’s psyche. He fancies himself the Picasso of pejoratives, the Rembrandt of ridicule. To him, a well-placed nickname is the verbal equivalent of a mic drop.
Except it’s not. It’s actually quite childish and inane. It’s like watching a grown man insist he’s got the best yo-yo tricks on the playground. The constant reliance on these nicknames reeks more of insecurity than ingenuity. It’s a lot like being at a family Thanksgiving where your uncle’s idea of winning the argument is calling you a turkey.
Let’s put it this way: if foreign policy were handled with the same deftness as these nicknames, we’d be negotiating peace deals by seeing who can hold their breath the longest.
The funny thing is, he’s not exactly breaking new ground. This sort of thing works better in wrestling rings and reality TV shows, places where nuance is unnecessary and the loudest voice wins. But in the realm of politics, where decisions impact real lives, the act wears thin. Fast.
I invite you, dear readers, to join in the fun. If Trump were to turn his attention on you, what nickname do you think he’d give you? Keep it in the spirit of the Trumpian tradition: short, snappy, and with a dash of schoolyard. Maybe you’re “Lazy Larry,” “Whiny Wendy,” or “Sneaky Steve.”
As for me, well, I shudder to think. But if I were to get the Trump treatment, I’m guessing I’d end up as something like “Bumblin’ Bryce.” It’s got that signature alliteration he loves, and it paints a picture of someone stumbling through life like a sitcom dad. Which, let’s be honest, might not be too far off the mark on some days.
So, what’s your Trump nickname? Share it in the comments. After all, if we’re going to be dragged into this childish charade, we might as well have some fun with it. And who knows, maybe we’ll come up with something that will make “Lyin’ Kamala” look positively pedestrian by comparison.