Bryce’s Handy Guide to Car Cleaning

Cleaning your car. Such a pain, right? I mean, washing the outside is pretty easy these days. You can just drive it through one of those automatic washes, and you get the side bonus of either entertaining any children you have in the backseat, or traumatizing them for life. Either way, it’ll make for a memorable ten minutes.

But cleaning the inside? That’s a real chore. You’ve got to get your vacuum out there somehow, and even then, that car isn’t getting clean-clean. It’s just getting cleaner. The dashboard’s still going to be dusty, the nooks and crannies really need washing, and don’t even think about looking in the trunk.

To thoroughly clean a car, you almost need to devote hours of work, or you need to get it detailed. But a good detailing service can cost a hundred dollars or more. Once you’ve paid all that money, how are you going to afford to even eat that month? What’s a penny pincher to do?

Friends, I’m here with the answer. It’s a lifehack that takes the money you’re almost definitely already paying anyway for that car, and turns all of it into a time saving cheat code.

Step one: Make sure your car insurance is up to date. This is critical.

Step two: Go out and find a deer. Ram into it at speeds of at least . . . 40mph.

Step three: ???

Step four: profit.

I mean, sure. There are some less than ideal phases of that plan. Some things that are painful to you and painful to the deer. But this is car cleanliness we’re talking about. You’ve got to make some sacrifices, and there are too many deer out there anyway.

Once you’ve hit the deer, you’ve likely incurred thousands of dollars of damage to your car. But if your insurance is good, you’re only going to be on the hook for $100 of that. A really good detailing package (that includes a rental car) will cost like $200. Imagine this ad in the newspaper:

Complete car detailing package. Half off! Buy NOW and get 50 lbs of venison and FREE car rental for TWO WEEKS!

Tell me you wouldn’t be tempted.

In other news, my Prius is already fixed and I’m back in business. And Hilltop Collision does an excellent cleaning job on your vehicle whenever they work on it. We’re talking top notch. (And I should know, having now taken my car there after hitting two deer, a turkey, and a lawn tractor . . .)


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