Doctor Evil for President 2020

I think it’s high time we injected some class and substance into our political rhetoric. I’ve been disappointed in our current administration, and I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with someone we can all get behind. Someone who stands for something. Who will unite the country under one common goal. And that’s why I’ve chosen to officially endorse Dr. Evil for president.

True, he isn’t running yet. And true, he’s a fictional character, but I don’t think little things like “he doesn’t actually exist” should get in the way of a person’s dream of becoming president. I mean, I’m positive that he’d accept the nomination, if he were around to do so. He’s bent on global domination, and he’d probably do it for a million dollars. Maybe even less.

What does Dr. Evil have going for him? I’m glad you asked.

1. He’s a family man. He’s spent years trying to understand how to relate to his son, Scott. But better yet, he knows there’s a line. A time and a place for family. I’m not worried Scott would suddenly pop up in some governmental position. Those would be reserved for true experts like Number Two and Frau Farbissina. Real go getters who stay on task. No need to worry about nepotism under Dr. Evil.
2. He’s dealt with loss. Mini-Me passed away last year. While Dr. Evil didn’t make a public statement at the time (no doubt too overcome with grief to do so), I’m confident that brush with death has changed him for the better and made him understand the realities of normal people in a way our current president can never really comprehend.
3. He learns from his mistakes. When things didn’t go his way, he was able to recognize it was time to try a different approach. For example, he once asked for a million dollar ransom when he had the world hostage. When he discovered (by listening to his aides) that he’d lowballed his estimate, he didn’t dig in and insist he was right. Instead, he acknowledged his error and increased the ransom instead. That ability to admit fault is something I haven’t seen in a president since 2016. It’s a key component to true leadership.
4. He knows there’s a time and a place for cruel and unusual punishment, and he can recognize the best way to get that job done. Dr. Evil would never call for our southern border to be filled with snakes and alligators. Not even ill-tempered ones. He reserves those for elaborate schemes to defeat Austin Powers, not refugees fleeing for their lives. And if you’ve seen The Love Guru, I think we can all agree Austin Powers has earned a bit of cruel and unusual punishment.
5. He loves animals. The constant way he cares for and attends to all of Mr. Bigglesworth’s needs makes me confident he has the compassion needed to actually care about some of the people who might not agree with him. That would be an infinite improvement over our current situation.
6. He’s already had experience running government. True, it was as part of the Trump administration, but that at least means he has an idea what the job requires, and perhaps he’ll have learned from that experience

Actually, it seems like he’s already announced his candidacy. Zuckerberg was a strange choice, but I’m willing to run with it.

I’ll finish with a message direct from the candidate himself.

Dr. Evil 2020: It Can’t Be Any Worse than What We’ve Got Now.

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