Our Country is Facing a Crisis, Friends

Don’t you love the word “friends”? It adds emphasis and gravitas to just about any situation. Compare, “We’re out of toilet paper,” which seems like a banal observation, to “We’re out of toilet paper, friends.” Suddenly, you know you’re facing a life changing moment of immense importance. Stuff just got real, folks. (Folks is another word like “friends.”)

In any case, my confrontation with the harsh realities of our time came–as most confrontations of this sort do these days–during a recent visit to Walmart. Denisa and I have been on the busy side lately, and so I went shopping with her when it looked like the odds of us having time to go on an actual date were slim to none. So there we were, blithely going about our business, when suddenly it hit me. Full on. No notice whatsoever. One second I’m looking at the dairy section, and the next second:

An entire display of eggnog.

We’re not talking a few cartons. We’re talking enough eggnog to supply Santa Claus’s Christmas Eve party. Enough eggnog to go hot-tubbing in. Enough eggnog to drown Homer Simpson.

Mass quantities of eggnog.

Now, those who know me know I like to partake of the nog each year. It’s something I look forward to. I like my eggnog the way I like my bacon: chewy, and with a pleasant aftertaste that stays with you hours later. My inaugural eggnog purchase each year has been a perpetual time of celebration for my stomach and mourning for my arteries.

But friends, I think we can all agree that the sheer raw power eggnog presents to the world is something that needs to be contained and tightly controlled. It’s a force that must only be harnessed for good, and even then it’s something that needs to be imbibed only starting with the ramp up to Thanksgiving and finishing in the bleak January days after New Years.

This was October, people. Oc-freaking-tober. The witches aren’t just not even off their brooms yet–they haven’t even opened the closet to dust those brooms off.

What I’m saying is that our society works on a calendar. It’s a fine-tuned system that’s been developed over the ages to ensure we maintain peak sugary efficiency. You’ve got your October, which is designed for candy consumption. This blends into November and your turkey and stuffing, then back to sweets in Christmas before one last huzzah of culinary festivities on New Years Eve–just in time for all of us to swear we won’t eat so much next year. And through a good portion of that, the eggnog must flow to keep our spirits merry and our holly hopping.

But ain’t nobody out there wishing anybody no “Merry Halloween!” It’s not natural.

Octobernog must be stopped, and it must be stopped now. Think of the repercussions if we allow it to continue. Next thing you know, I’ll be drinking eggnog in September and not stopping until February, and then you’ll find me in some gutter somewhere, surrounded by empty eggnog containers and the strong stench of nutmeg.

You think obesity is a problem now? You wait until we’re all drinking eggnog at our Fourth of July parties.

You. Just. Wait.

So please. For the love of all that’s good and right in this world, join me in an eggnog strike. Let’s follow a simple rule: you can only buy eggnog during months that begin with N or D. That allows some wiggle room for drinking it at the beginning of January, but it keeps the rest of the year safe for eggnog-free lives. I think we can all agree it’s better that way.

But if we don’t do this strike–if we let eggnog run rampant through our society? I don’t like the future that holds. And right now, judging from the sheer quantities of eggnog Walmart had on its shelves (and worse yet, the many empty spots where you could see eggnog had just recently occupied), the strike isn’t being followed. Walmart’s not just selling the nog. People are buying the nog. And if people are buying the nog . . .

People are drinking it.

Please. Share this post. Save our society and ourselves. We’re no match for the overwhelming awesomesauce that is eggnog. It has to be regulated. Contained. Should we petition the government for this to happen?

Yes we can! I’m hereby announcing my official petition to the US Department of Agriculture to restrict the sale of eggnog to the months of November and December. You can participate in the drive. Head on over to change.org and sign my petition. Let’s make this thing go viral people. Save humanity. The fate of the entire universe might rest in your index finger right at this moment. Click “sign”, click “share,”

And make today mean something.