The Cure for COVID!

Like most of you, I’ve been scouring the interwebs trying to come up with a way to make all of this go back to normal. Life. Work. Health. The whole shebang. And today, in the middle of my writing group, it all hit me at once. The solution’s been staring me in the face this whole time. Due to my unique experiences, I think I was particularly well situated to come up with this, but I’m kind of stunned that it didn’t occur to me until now. Basically, it all comes down to one thing:

Somebody’s got to make Andie MacDowell fall in love with them.

I mean, that’s what did the trick for Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, and if we haven’t even given this a shot yet, then how can we really say we’ve been exploring all avenues? And I’m not talking about just some “she went on a fun date with me,” either. This isn’t something a simple snowman making session is going to take care of. It didn’t work for Bill then, and it won’t work now.

The good news is that we all know from Groundhog Day just how to get this to happen. We’re looking for someone who can:

• Play the piano
• Make a sweet ice sculpture
• Know how to change a tire quickly
• Can do basic chiropractic skills
• Knows how to score WWE tickets

Ideally, they’ll convince Ms. MacDowell to bid on them in an auction, but I’m not 100% sure that needs to happen.

Other skills that would be useful, from my research:

• Humble
• Intelligent
• Supportive
• Funny
• Romantic
• Courageous
• Good body, but doesn’t have to look in the mirror every two minutes
• Kind
• Sensitive
• Gentle
• Not afraid to cry in front of Ms. MacDowell
• Likes animals
• Likes children
• Will change poopy diapers
• Plays an instrument (see above)
• Loves his mother

What I’m saying is that we’ve got over 300 million people in this country. That list there doesn’t seem insurmountable. There have to be some really solid candidates out there, and Ms. MacDowell is single right now . . .

True, from what I’ve seen, this approach really works the best if it happens on February 2nd, but I don’t think we need to get hung up on little things like “days of the year” at this point. The fact is, every single day feels the same as every other day, so what does it really matter?

Now, I’m not advocating we find Ms. MacDowell and subject her to unwanted advances. (That doesn’t work anyway, per my research.) But what if we made a television show out of it? “Make Andie MacDowell Fall in Love with You So We Can Cure COVID.” The viewership would be through the roof, right?

All we need now is someone to see if Ms. MacDowell is open to the idea. Anyone out there got any good contacts?

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