The Quarantine is Ruining Everything

Let’s face it, folks. This whole quarantine thing is the pits. It’s ruining all the important things in life. I mean, zombie apocalypse movies? Totally ruined now. Every time I watch one, I’m just going to think about all the things they got wrong about the apocalypse. If they show a single grocery store scene, and it’s got toilet paper anywhere in sight?

Totally unbelievable.

And if I ever become a zombie, I now know to avoid going to places most zombie apocalypse movies focus on. Forget cities. People apparently flock to beaches to ride out the apocalypse by giving as many germs to each other as possible. And what zombie apocalypse movie would be complete in the future if it doesn’t feature a “Zombie Plague Party,” where people get together to give each other the plague so that they can develop herd immunity to it.

Are you making notes, Hollywood?

Also ruined? Any and all time loop movies. That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers: Groundhog Day is doomed. Because now everyone knows what it’s like to wake up and live the same day over, and over, and over. Seriously. Phil Connors goes through the entire film without a single Zoom meeting, and I for one find that highly suspect. The time loop I’m currently stuck in features at least three Zoom meetings a day, and that’s if I’m lucky. Get it right, movie makers!

Also spoiled? The ability to complain about anything. I mean, at this point if we ever get back to normal, I fear I’m never going to be able to whine about simple things without some doofus saying, “Hey! At least we’re not in quarantine.” And when I try to whine about things while I’m in quarantine, I’m reminded that loads of people have had it worse than me over the course of history. Which is totally true, and completely valid, but you know what? We’re allowed to have a struggle with all this crap-o-la without being made to feel guilty we’re struggling.

Which leads me to the next big thing to fall to this quarantine: logic. I mean, it already fell somewhat when people decided to panic buy toilet paper, but that was just the first domino. Now people are saying things like, “It’s okay if just 3% of the country dies, as long as the economy stays strong.” They’re also making arguments like “The flu kills way more people than this each year, so why is this a big deal?”

You know what never killed anybody? Shoe bombs. And yet, back when I was allowed to travel, I had to X-ray my shoes every single time I got on a plane because some dipstick had a concept that maybe a shoe bomb would work. You know what killed “only a few thousand people”? 9/11. And what moron would get up and say, “I don’t know why you people are so worried about a couple of planes crashing into a building. Way more people die in car crashes every day, and nobody looks at it like a tragedy. Get over it.”

Nope. Reasoning isn’t going to get us anywhere, except to maybe one of those hawt beach parties happening in Florida a week ago. Instead, I get to watch in horror as Trump’s approval rating somehow goes up, with people happy about the job he’s doing. And I wonder if I’m in some sort of bizzaro world, or if everyone’s watching the same news I’m watching. (Clearly not.) Right now, Trump is King of the Frogs, sitting in a pot of water that’s getting hotter and hotter, and claiming the fire underneath that pot is going to magically disappear any moment.

Ugh. Don’t get me started. I have no desire to get into a Facebook argument with people over this, so if you disagree, go you. Go out and lick a hand railing or something. Whatever it is you feel you need to do to prove to the world this disease is overhyped. (Actually, no. No licking hand railings. Unless you sanitize it afterward for the rest of us.)

Sorry folks. I’ve been stuck inside for a while now, and my mind space is all over the place. Maybe sidle on by and catch me after the weekend, which I’m sure will feel way different than the week has felt.

It has to. I’ll be in half as many zoom meetings, tops.


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