To the Slow Drivers of the World

I get it. You don’t like driving fast. And I’m not here to tell you to just drive faster. You drive how fast or slow you want to.

However.

What I am going to do is tell you how to drive slowly and not irritate me. Because as we all know, everyone’s goal in life should be to irritate Bryce as little as possible. Lucky for you I’m here to help, huh? (Although please note–chances are, if you follow my advice here, you’ll also successfully not irritate loads of other drivers. It’s a win-win, peoples!) So let’s proceed.

You’re driving slow. The first question to ask yourself is, “What kind of road am I on?” If you’re on a road where there are four lanes (two in each direction), then this is what you do: DRIVE IN THE RIGHT LANE. Meaning, the lane on the right. If you have trouble telling your right from your left (hey–it happens to the best of us!), then hold your hands out in front of you, with the palm facing away from you. Keep your fingers close together, and extend your thumb. (Ideally do this when you’re not driving. Thanks.) One of your hands will make an “L” shape. That’s your left hand. Which means that way is left. So drive in the lane that’s not the left lane.

That’s it! That’s all you have to do on a four or more lane highway.

But wait, you say. “What if someone is driving slower than I am in that lane?” I’m glad you asked. In those circumstances, check behind you to make sure no one’s coming up in the left lane. If the coast is clear, signal that you’re switching lanes, switch lanes, pass the car, then signal that you’re switching to the right lane, and switch lanes back–once the slower car is safely passed. (This is why professionals call the left lane the “passing lane.” Funny, huh?)

It seems pretty simple. Try to get that one principle down, and you’re set for most situations. Except . . .

What if you’re driving on a two lane road–one lane for each direction. What if you want to drive slower than a turtle on that road?

No problemo, friend. Drive your pokey little self at putt-putt speed all you want. Just check in your rearview mirror now and then. (You do know how to operate one of those, right?) If you see a cluster of cars behind you, pull over to the side of the road and let those cars pass you by, then resume your turtle-like pace. All we’re asking for is a little courtesy. Let us go on our way. (Note–if you’re going the speed limit, I’m willing to cut you a break. It’s when you’re going 5mph or more below the speed limit that I start to get irate.)

Driving should be a fun pleasant experience for everyone. Let’s try hard to keep it that way, shall we?