Bryce’s Guide to Being Less Self-Conscious at the Beach

I went to the beach with the family on Saturday. Had a great time, although I managed to do something to my back in the water that made things uncomfortable on Sunday. All is right with the world now, however, and I’m here to share with you a few important pieces of advice for any of you thinking you might want to head to the beach in the near future. (Especially if, like me, it’s been a while since you’ve been.) Most of them are things you’d think a full grown adult would recognize.

You’d think wrong.

First up? Sunscreen washes off. Remember to reapply it once or twice, or you might wish you had later on.

Second? Wind is windy. It tends to want to mess up your beach umbrella.

Third? That ocean is mighty salty. Bringing some goggles or something to keep it out of your eyes all the time might be a good idea. On the flip side, your beard will provide all the seasoning you need for hours later.

But most importantly, one of the best ways to enjoy the beach is to stop worrying how pasty white your skin is and just enjoy yourself. To do that, I have one tried and true method:

1. Make sure to be as close to legally blind without your glasses as possible.
2. Take off your glasses once you get to the beach. Put them someplace safe.
3. Profit.

That’s really it. Suddenly, your body is just this big blurry area beneath you. Everyone else turns into big blurry areas, as well. Guess what? You can’t prove to me that my big blurry area is in any worse shape or color than anyone else’s big blurry area. (Just make sure to try and remember what color swimming suit your friends and family are each wearing, or you might get pretty confused . . .)

I’m debating making some special swim goggles that helps people with normal vision get the same effect. It’ll be all the rage next summer. Just wait.