Bryce’s Handy Guide to Vacation Weight Loss

Has this every happened to you? You’ve just come back from an extended summer vacation, where you personally challenged yourself to drink every single milkshake you came across? And you had the fortitude to hold yourself to that vow, even going so far as to seek out more milkshakes, just to make things more challenging? And have you ever come back from that vacation weighing a full ten pounds more than when you set out on it?

If so, then I imagine you might have wondered, “How am I ever going to lose all this extra weight?!”

Fear not, faithful reader. Because I have discovered the key. The one easy step to making all your weight loss dreams come true. We’re talking shedding off pounds at the rate of one per day. Better yet, it requires no exercise, and no additional work from you. No, it’s not a tape worm. What kind of lame friend would I be if I just blithely recommended you went out and got a parasite? No, this is much more reliable, and without all the wriggling.

The stomach flu.

That’s right, friends. With a simple case of the stomach flu, you too can be throwing up that weight as easy as falling off a log. Better yet, you won’t have any appetite at all! You just lie around all day and maybe risk eating a Saltine now and then, only to remember that no, you don’t want to eat, and you felt better before that Saltine.

But wait, there’s more! As long as you’ve got sick time, you can laze around in bed, watching your to-do pile grow as you question your will to keep pushing forward. Wondering if your coworkers have started to think you just went on a second vacation and are “calling in sick.”

Don’t think you’re going to be doing this all on your own, folks. No, a really good stomach bug brings the whole family together. Nothing says “I love you” like watching your daughter throw up 27 times in one day. Just ask Denisa! And if you’ve got another daughter who traipses off to a summer camp, there’s not a chance in the world she’ll forget you. No. The stomach bug won’t let her!

Of course, timing everything right so it works like this takes a special finesse I can’t teach you. That’s something you’re going to have to work out for yourself. After all, I’m about out of energy typing this.

Maybe I’ll go find another Saltine . . .