Suing Google

That’s right, people. I finally decided to take on The Man. Back in 2018, Google came under fire for having had some flaws in their Google Plus platform that allowed app developers access to personal information that they shouldn’t have had access to. A class action lawsuit was brought forward, and ultimately succeeded. When I heard about it, I realized, “Hey! I had a Google Plus account, too!” So I joined up with the suit, because justice.

In 2020, Google was found liable. Not only that, but I was awarded $7.5 million in damages! That’s a 7.5 with six zeros at the end. Think of the wonderful things I could do with all that money. First, I would build a Scrooge McDuck sized vault to keep it in. Then I’d go swimming every morning for at least ten laps. Not being one to make hasty decisions, however, I decided against quitting my day job until that juicy paycheck arrived in my bank account. True, I had to split the $7.5 million with the rest of the class action peoples, but surely that much money would still get me something good, right?

Today, I’m pleased to announce that my ship has finally come in. Google actually paid up, and I got a PayPal credit of $2.15. True, it’s a bit lower than I was initially hoping for, but at the time, my other options were to either opt out of the lawsuit, object to the settlement amount, or do nothing. Think about what would have happened if I had just done nothing! I wouldn’t be able to buy that Snickers bar I’ve had my eye on for the last couple of years. And anyway, it’s really just missing those 6 zeros, and when you think about it, zeros mean nothing, so it isn’t missing anything at all, right?

I’m still not entirely certain how I’m going to spend my windfall. I need to make sure I get the most out of it, after all. It’s not every day that a big company sends you money to apologize for their misdeeds. I’m open to suggestions. I suppose I could give it all to charity. Or I could buy chocolate pudding. Or put a downpayment on a Hotwheels.

Decisions, decisions . . .


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