I’m Exhausted

I’m exhausted. It feels like gravity increased on earth a few months ago, and ever since then, it’s been a slog just to get through the day. It’s not that things are going wrong for me personally. For the most part, things are actually pretty good. My kids are doing well. I’m relatively healthy once again. I’m still gainfully employed. But as I look at the state of the world and the decisions being made in my country?

It’s a non-stop slog, like I said.

I said this on Facebook this morning: DOGE is not cutting waste. They’re cutting limbs, and then telling you it’s waste with no evidence other than warped descriptions of a few projects they cherry-pick to justify it. They’re removing the frame and the brakes and all safety equipment as they send us hurtling down a steep hill that leads to a cliff, all while reassuring people who choose to believe them that cars are really just about wheels and nothing else.

And it’s depressing to see how many people I know are totally okay with what’s going on or even really pleased to see it happening.

I understand why they feel that way. The sources they accept as true and valid are telling them that it’s all going according to plan. They, too, have been feeling frightened and worried about the future, and this all offers them some hope. It can be very appealing to have someone step up and assure you that they will Fix Things. And if everyone you know tells you to believe that person or those persons, then why wouldn’t you feel good about it all?

I said this back when Trump was elected. I would love to be wrong about him. I’m not one to insist I was right when I realize I was wrong.

But three months into his second term? Looking at the actions our country is taking? The state of our economy? The things going on in the world? I see nothing whatsoever to make me wonder if I was wrong. If anything, I was somehow massively downplaying how bad this second term would be.

And so everything I do each day is harder to do, because I’ve got this mental weight that comes with me everywhere. I worry not just for my future, but for my kids’ future. The state of higher education and libraries is precarious right now, as these institutions are being attacked by Trump and DOGE. That puts my career in danger, but even if my own career ends up being safe, i see people around me losing their jobs, and I see others thrilled by that happening.

How can that not be a mental drain?

This isn’t a situation where I need to listen to a talking head to explain to me how I should think or what the meaning of it all is. I see firsthand. I’m an expert in this, because this is what I do for a job, and what I’ve been deeply involved in for almost 20 years. Unfortunately, the weight that sort of expertise carries with some is less and less, as they’d choose to listen to politicians or pundits over people who actually deal with the subject at hand. I don’t know how to combat that.

We’re somehow in this bizarro universe where people treat politics like sports, and as long as your team is “winning,” all is well with the world.

So yeah. A slog. And I’m not sure when it will stop being that way. I believe this will continue until enough people realize just how harmful the decisions being made in this country are for all of us. I hope that’s soon enough to put a stop to it, but I’m far from certain that’s going to be the case. When I posted about my dismay and outrage of what happened to a man here legally, deported illegally to an El Salvador prison (an action even the Trump administration admits was a mistake), I saw people speaking up to defend the actions of ICE. Worse, they were trying to warp religion to allow them to justify it.

Over the weekend, I listened to General Conference, a two-day series of talks by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They spoke of the need for virtue and charity. How we must become more like Christ, love one another, and follow His teachings. I hear those talks, and I agree with them, and I do my best to look at my life and try to see how I can improve myself, but I’ll admit it’s very difficult for me to hear those talks and not think about current events. Not wonder how many members continue to support Trump and his policies, even in light of what they’re listening to. After all, 64% of members voted for Trump, according to exit polls. And while I know many of them voted for Trump for different reasons, I . . .

I don’t have it in me to write about it anymore. Like I said, it’s all a slog. I keep plugging away. Doing my best. But there are days it’s more difficult than others to keep at it. Days when writing about what I watched or read or whatever just seems like an unnecessary distraction from much more important things. I keep at it, because I also believe there needs to be other things in the world than the constant doom and gloom.

But providing those other things? That can be rough sometimes.