Ranking the Boltons

This morning when I opened the news, it was filled with all sorts of stories about what John Bolton is saying in his new book about Donald Trump. And believe you me, if someone wants to have a “Let’s All Talk About Why We Don’t Like Trump” party, I’d be the first in line. (Not really, on second thought. That sounds like a terrible party, so I’d probably check to see who was coming, and (more importantly) what kind of food was on the menu before I showed up. There’s no way I’m blowing a few hours of my life on a party like that unless there are some wicked good desserts involved . . .)

But my respect for John Bolton is about as low as it can get. I mean, when I think about all the Boltons I’ve heard of over the years, the list isn’t that great to being with. I thought it might be good to run down the few Boltons besides John, and then figure out where John stands inside that ranking.

The best of the group is Michael Bolton, a sentence I never thought I’d have cause to write up until today. He is, of course, the famed singer with the long frizzy hair.

Then again, those long frizzy locks are gone now. They’ve been replaced by a scarf. Honestly, it’s probably an upgrade.

After Michael Bolton (old or young), we have a precipitous drop off in quality. In fact, the second best Bolton I could name would be Roose Bolton, from Game of Thrones fame. And what did he do? Betrayed the Starks, flayed people alive, and raised a bastard son even worse than he was. It’s saying something when the best thing I can say about a man is that he wasn’t as bad as his son. If you don’t remember Roose, here’s a quick rundown:

Which leads us to the worst Bolton, which is unquestionably Ramsay. He tortured, betrayed, raped, flayed, and oozed his way across the books and television series. He’s so awful, I’m not going to deign him with a link or a video. He looks like an evil version of Frodo Baggins. A terrible failure of a human being. Just remembering him is making me nauseous.

And that’s it. Up until now, that was the extent of my Bolton list. So where would I put John Bolton? Well, considering he is now profiting off the fact that he personally witnessed multiple acts of impeachable offenses by Trump and then proceeded to not say anything about them in a long drawn out impeachment process, only to slink out of his hole now to try and make a bundle of money off them . . . I’m torn.

Has he flayed anyone? No. Has he tortured any women? Not to my knowledge. Did he murder his father in cold blood? My sources say no. However, he has one clear distinction between Roose and Ramsay. A distinction that, in my mind, sinks him beneath them.

He is not a fictional character.

The people Roose and Ramsay terrorized and profited off of were all made up. None of them actually exist. So can I really put them below someone who literally did bad things in real life? I think not. And I imagine that’s something John Bolton would acknowledge. By coming out with his book now, he’s basically saying, “I don’t care what the world thinks of me. I want to make as much money as possible, and then I’m going to go swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.” Because you better believe no one actually likes him now. The Republicans are going to hate him and accuse him of lying for profit, and the Democrats are going to hate him and accuse him of cowardice.

Which is tragic. Because all John Bolton had to do to skyrocket to the top of my Bolton list was simple: speak out when he saw Trump doing illegal things. Not wait for a whistleblower to come forward. Not wait to testify in front of Congress when subpoenaed. Not wait until he could make millions off a book deal. Just follow the simple rule that’s said over and over in airports across the country:

“If you see something, say something.”

So instead, Michael Bolton continues his reign atop the list, and John Bolton . . . I don’t want to waste any more time on him. His accusations are nothing more than confirmation bias at this point. They’re not worth the paper they’re printed on.

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