Thank Goodness for Guns

Man. Am I happy we have as many guns in this country as we do. I mean, I used to be really against them, posting time after time about how much I wished our country would enact stricter gun laws. But now that I’ve had to deal with a mass shooting less than an hour from my house, I’ve really come to see the light.

I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if we at least tried to make some stricter rules around firearms? Gun instructors might not be able to get access to the weapons they need if they have a mental breakdown! We all know how many bad guys out there have guns. If we had didn’t have a strongly defended 2nd Amendment, then bad people might start shooting innocent people at bowling alleys and bars. I think we can all agree that would be horrible. Clearly the only way to keep anything like that happening is to arm as many of our citizens as possible. In a country that has little regard for mental healthcare, it’s likely there will be a lot of people out there who can get hold of guns when they shouldn’t have them. The only solution to this is to make sure everyone’s got access to them easily.

And think of the wonderful things we get because of our long, proud history of guns in this country. Gun nuts can collect the latest and greatest weapons and display them proudly as they wait for the zombie apocalypse. Boy will those silly libs feel dumb when the living dead are knocking down their doors and all they’ve got to defend themselves is a baseball bat. I don’t know how hunters out there would cope if they didn’t have semi-automatic rifles that they can easily convert to fully automatic. I mean, have you seen deer? Those things are wicked fast. How’s a good hunter supposed to hit one and bring home some tasty venison, if they can’t fire at least a thousand rounds a second? And you need high capacity handguns as well, because you never know when you might have a chance to shoot a deer. Those things are everywhere these days!

Look. The simple fact is that over 200 years ago, citizens needed access to ball and powder muskets so they could defend themselves against the British. It’s the thing that made us the great nation we are today. Don’t people know that the British are still around? That they’re more heavily armed than ever? What would we do if John Oliver suddenly attacked America? We’d all turn to the people who own large arsenals of every kind of lethal weapon known to man, because we make it a point of pride that people can have as many guns as possible here in the good ol’ U S of A.

Besides, we need to keep the focus where it needs to be: on keeping dangerous books out of the hands of the general populace. Someone might look up from the explicit porn they’re watching on their phones for long enough to read something or see a drawing some pearl-clutching person is upset about. Or maybe someone who’s watching one of the countless TV-MA shows freely available on pretty much every streaming platform would get sullied by reading a book about a gay penguin. That’s the sort of danger we need to protect people from.

We’re a free country, people. And we need to prove that to the rest of the world by showing we believe in (the right sort of) freedom so much, we make sure our people are free to pack heat no matter what. Thank goodness the Republicans have been hard at work trying to make gun laws even looser. After I had to say goodbye to my 10 year-old daughter this morning as she was in tears, worried because I work in a public building and might get shot today, I thought to myself on the drive to work, “Thank goodness she’s got that experience. That’s not the sort of thing you get in a country with reasonable gun laws, and I personally wouldn’t want to be deprived of that memory.”

Maybe I’ll move to Florida. I hear DeSantis is doing his darnedest to make sure there are even more guns there. People can concealed carry there without a permit. I sure would feel safer if I knew every single person around me on the street might be able to whip out a gun and shoot me if I looked at them wrong.

So I’m looking forward to hearing all the messages now about how this is the “price of freedom” and about how we don’t dare do a single thing to try and make access to guns harder in this country. I know firsthand how thrilling it is to not be able to sleep because there’s an active manhunt for a mass murderer. How much fun it can be to scramble around on the internet, desperately trying to find out if he’s been caught, and if he hasn’t, which way he’s been fleeing. If he’d gone north instead of south, he’d have ended up in my hometown. Boy howdy would that have been a good time. Feeling helpless and afraid on a Wednesday night? Sign me up again! Last night, I could literally feel the thoughts and prayers making my entire corner of the country a better place.

Thank goodness for guns.

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