Top Ten Things I Would Vote for Before I Voted for Trump

Somehow, people still seem to think Donald Trump is the bee’s knees when it comes to politics. Somehow, he stays on top of the polls, like a cockroach giving the rest of the country the middle finger. Somehow, he can say stupid things like “I could shoot someone and not lose support.” The sad thing is, he’s probably right, it seems. Retweeting white supremacists hasn’t hurt him. Being a mouth-breathing cretin has only helped. Taking his social cues from a pack of hyenas has only helped strengthen him in the polls. Having all the tact of a two ton anvil has somehow made him more appealing to voters.

I. Don’t. Understand.

People say it’s because he’s willing to say things that other people just think. That’s scary. People say it’s because he’s willing to stand up to other people. Folks, I’ve lived for years with Paul LePage as the governor of my state. He made the same arguments: he’d be a straight shooter. Speak his mind. Do away with politics and just get things done. He’s subsequently proven himself to be a man whose IQ wouldn’t break the speed limit in a school zone. He hasn’t missed a chance to insert his foot in his mouth whenever and wherever he could. He’s also proven to be wildly incompetent.

Trust me. We don’t want Trump anywhere near the Oval Office.

Which leads me to today’s topic. Some people are saying they’ll be stuck voting for Trump, because they don’t want to see another Clinton elected. I want it on the record that I will happily vote for just about anyone other than Donald Trump. (Sarah Palin vs. Donald Trump would be one of the few cases where I’d be completely stumped.) Who else would I vote for? What else? How about a top ten list?

10–A gigantic vat of chocolate pudding.

9–A blow up Bill Clinton doll

8–Bill Clinton himself

7–Trump’s haircut

6–Pee-Wee Herman

5–A Yorkshire terrier

4–My daughter’s imaginary friend

3–Hootie and/or the Blowfish

2–A moldy pair of gym shorts

1–This guy:

I’m not kidding. A single celled invertebrate would do a better job running this country than that puffed up walking hairdo. I read a comment this morning by someone that “the country had voted for Obama,” so they didn’t understand why people thought Trump was a bad idea. Part of me would like to see these people be forced to live under a Trump regime, and if it didn’t involve me and my friends having to endure the same fate, I’d almost say it was worth it.

But it isn’t.

I will vote for Bernie Sanders. I will vote for Hilary Clinton. I will vote for literally anyone in the running right now other than Donald Trump, if that’s the decision I have to make.

Please, for the love of all that’s good on this great earth, America. Please don’t make the rest of the country have to make those kinds of decisions.