I did this glancingly last week, saying COVID had made me gain some weight back, but this week I wanted a real check in: 192.6, which means I’ve lost 1.2 pounds since last week. Honestly, I could have done much better. I keep coming up with reasons for why I shouldn’t have to diet (like, today is my birthday, so why should I diet?), and that shows me my heart really isn’t in it. Which my brain is not happy with at all.
Right now I feel perched on this sort of strange point where I’ve been taking time off from multiple different obligations, and I really feel like I need to dive back into them, but I keep getting scared of the height of the diving platform.
Case in point: writing. I haven’t written anything consistently in the past 3 months, give or take. While there have been some very, very good reasons for that, I also love writing, and I miss it. I am generally happier when I am writing each day. I feel more accomplished, and I like the feeling of building toward something. But writing is something that can be very momentum-based. There’s a lot of effort that goes into getting started up again, or at least it feels that way at the moment. I was happy that yesterday I managed to get my 1,000 words in, and it felt good. But I need a few weeks of that to feel like I’m back in the zone.
My sister (who’s a life coach) talks a lot about “buffering”: things you do when you know you should be doing something else, but you don’t want to do that something else. I’ve been doing a lot of buffering the past while, mainly to escape having to think about some things I’d rather just ignore. (Death of my father. Tomas actually leaving the house. Not insignificant things by any stretch.) And while I believe some allowance can and should be made for me, I also feel like I’ve about used my allowance up. There are always going to be excuses for not doing the things that need to be done, and I’ve always viewed myself as a person who doesn’t like excuses.
Anyway. This is just a long way of talking about some of why I’m futzing around instead of getting serious about getting my weight down some. Sure, I’m not overweight at the moment, but I’m one holiday season away from being there, and (would you look at that?) I’ve got one holiday season looming ever closer in the future . . .
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