After 3,685 Days, My Experiment is a Success!

They said it couldn’t be done. Fools! All of them. I had a simple plan. One that would both add hours–if not years–to my life, and bring me untold success and fame. The goal? A biological-based automaton who could do my bidding. And at first, I’ll admit my plan seemed far fetched. There were early days when the experiment couldn’t even contain its fluids, let alone follow simple commands.

But I persisted. I innovated. I taught.

And it learned. And grew.

Bit by bit, I added to its programming. Basic motor control. Two language systems at the same time. Routines for self-care and self-preservation. And because no one wants to spend time with a mindless brute, I incorporated basic culture and gamesmanship.

The untold hours it took! There were days when I doubted myself. Weeks when I thought it would never succeed. That I might as well give up and try something simpler. Why did I have to insist on keeping it biological? Why not go with an android or cyborg? But I knew in my heart that for this to really succeed, I’d have to make sure it was sustainable.

Really, some parts of my creation continue to impress me. It lives on a glucose-based slurry of anything I happen to have hanging around the house. You’ve seen the Mr. Fusion in Back to the Future? This makes that seem like child’s play. There is a certain amount of rebooting that has to happen on a daily basis, but I let that happen while I sleep, and I can’t say I notice any real dip in productivity.

The best thing is that my creation is to the point where it can learn from others now, and not just me. I’ve convinced the government to subsidize its training, and I didn’t even have to go through any complicated grant writing process.

I am a genius.

And as I said, after 3,685 days, my experiment finally came to fruition. I give you THE WORLD’S FIRST AUTOMATIC LAWN MOWER:

IMG_0286

Of course, there continues to be some setbacks. The patent process has proven more treacherous than I first had hoped, and I grow increasingly suspicious that some other people have been copying my designs. But I’m confident I’ll work through those issues, as well. In a year or two, I might even think about upgrading its operating system to enable it to go on to create a second generation of automatic lawn mowers.

We’ll see.

In any case, I’m happy to share my discovery with the world, and I’m confident that with this blog post, all shall know and recognize the super-genius that I am.

Eat your heart out, Dr. Frankenstein.

2 Comments

  • By Jessica Albert, May 27, 2014 @ 1:07 pm

    Mine can only fetch small things, and then there are often malfunctions. Congratulations! This is a huge accomplishment (for both you and your creation)!

  • By Bryce Moore, May 27, 2014 @ 1:46 pm

    Wait. Do I need to sue you for copyright infringement? 🙂

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