Thoughts on the Royal Wedding: What I Wish Would Have Happened

Austin Powers Collection: Shagadelic Edition Loaded With Extra Mojo (International Man of Mystery / The Spy Who Shagged Me / Goldmember) [Blu-ray]Yes, I watched it this morning. I was up working on my writing anyway, so I figured why not. I can’t say I devoted my full attention to it, but then again it didn’t really seem like something you needed to have your whole attention for. I mean, there was a lot of singing and music and waiting and waving and smiling. Not exactly rocket science, and there wasn’t even a quiz afterward.

What did I think?

I think I’m really glad I wasn’t anywhere near London this morning. Certainly not near Westminster Abbey. Because if I was, I think I wouldn’t have been able to keep the snark inside me. You see, I realized this morning that I haven’t really witnessed any mainstream wedding ceremonies first hand. I’ve been to a couple of Mormon ones, and I’ve been to a Quaker ceremony, but no Catholic or Protestant services.

But then again, I’ve witnessed loads of them on TV and in the movies. And this morning, I decided the ones on TV and in film just don’t prepare you for how slow they are in real life. And as I’ve thought it over, there are a number of things that should have happened this morning that didn’t. So without further ado, I give you: Bryce’s Top Ten Things He Wished Would Have Happened at the Royal Wedding.

  1. No last minute objections, followed by Kate realizing the prince she was marrying was really just a prematurely bald fuddy duddy, at which point she ditches him to run off with a hip cool guy with a full head of hair.
  2. No spontaneous song and dance numbers about true love. Ideally, this would happen after Prince William admits just what exactly happened at his bachelor party last night. If he’d managed to at least sport a black eye and some strange sort of facial tattoo, I would have been willing to let the musical number slide.
  3. No Hollywood/Disney-style special effects to show just how magical a union it’s going to be. Seriously. They spent how many millions of pounds on this affair, and they couldn’t even manage some Tinkerbell sparkles released at an opportune moment? What about trained birds to flock in a heart shape above the couple’s adoring heads? I demand more from my elaborate weddings!
  4. No long wait while the bride or groom debated whether or not she or he really wanted to go through with this. I’m sure it happened–we just didn’t get the backstage coverage necessary to have been witness to it. Come on, press! Next royal wedding, I want a reality series, full of long, drawn out boring interviews with everyone involved. Also, I want to be able to vote for who the bride will be. Also the groom, if that’s a possibility. Just sayin’.
  5. No attack by the Dread Pirate Roberts. I was crushed, people. CRUSHED!
  6. And speaking of that, no speech impediment by the priest. What’s up with that? I think we can all acknowledge that some comic relief would have been nice at that point. At least someone in the crowd could have had some inopportune flatulence. I’m looking at you, Elton John. You’ve got experience entertaining people. Entertain me! If not with flatulence, how about an impromptu Lion King song? (see #2)
  7. No sword fighting. If Prince William really loves this girl this much, he should have had to defend her from intruders, pirates, ninjas and nazis (for good measure). Preferably until he’s so swashbuckled his knees wilt. You can’t tell me they’re out of swords. It’s *England*, for crying out loud.
  8. No one used the wedding as an excuse to steal the crown jewels. Talk about perfect timing. Come on, super criminals–do I have to do all your plotting for you?
  9. No talking animals. At all. Not even a talking squirrel. Not that all weddings have them or anything, but still–it would have been a nice addition. Maybe at least a chimpanzee dressed up in a tux. I’m a sucker for chimps in black tie.
  10. An extreme lack of rice, garters and thrown bouquets (preferably caught by Elton John). What’s the point in having stereotypes and tropes if we don’t haul them out for these important occasions?\\
Anyway. There you have it. There are more ways the wedding disappointed me, but I had to keep this list manageable. How about you? What did you think? What stood out as glaring omissions for you? If we make this list long enough, CNN might use it in its i-report section. Or–dare I hope it–we might be able to demand a redo of the wedding. Or at least an extended edition for the blu-ray.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts on the Royal Wedding: What I Wish Would Have Happened”

  1. But what good would the bouquet do Elton John? Isn’t he already married? I mean, talking animals is one thing; a married man catching the bouquet crosses the line into the realm of the ridiculous.

  2. For some reason, I thought Elton hadn’t actually married his partner. I was going for a Hollywood-style, establishment-shattering grand finale, preferably with the camera zooming in on Elton at the end, with him smiling and winking right before it fades to black and credits roll.

    That’s *ruined* if he’s already married. Thanks for ruining my whole experience, Ben. Way to go. 🙂

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